If I thought 2011 would greet a new me, a new, healthier, happier, more optimistic me, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The break-in, and the subsequent acts of vandalism have left me fearful, afraid. Jumping at noises and silent company. Friends acting decidedly unfriendly: the crossing of boundaries in such a way that completely eradicates trust.
I now weigh more than I have since right after graduation in 2008.
I quit smoking, then started again.
For all practical purposes, I’m actually behind the starting point where I was this time last year.
And yet so much has happened in 2010: The year of the Tiger, my year, I was sure it was going to be something amazing. It was, I think, not just in the way that I’d hoped. I spent over a quarter of the year trembling in fear regardless of alarm systems and big, wooden fences, and princess kitties on the prowl. On the other hand, I’ve discovered that I love things I had never considered: the joy of cooking, even simple things such as seared tuna, beans, and vegetables; leading projects at work and seeing them through; and, perhaps most surprisingly, the way I feel in high heels.
I insist I am not a masochist, but I found myself reliving my undegrad days while working on my final papers for the past two semesters. The over-caffeinated coffee, the gray patches of hair that seemed to pop out like stars on an obsidian night. The stress, the procrastination, the writing of things that made no sense whatsoever, and yes, the “Aha moment” when things really connected, followed by the desperation to get it finished in time only to be followed by the total Zen moment of handing it in, done with it, satisfied with whatever grade it earns.
The not caring so much about grades is a graduate thing for me, I think, definitely not an undergrad characteristic.
I’ve managed to work on the processes and let go of the results. If only I could do that in the rest of my life.
And yet, I’ve discovered this hidden part of me: delighted by pretty and soft-feeling things and my posture when I’m in heels. I’ve discovered the peace of a perfect, perfect moment, completely internal and utterly mine.
Maybe I’m more optimistic than I gave myself credit for.
It’s a whole new year, and it’s time to get the party started, at any rate.
Filed under: Journey, Uncategorized
