4 thoughts on “20070423”

  1. ‘Something that really stood out so far: Until the desire is ended, old behaviours will show up in new methods, i.e., the past will attempt to assert itself even after a course of action has been decided.’

    You’re right.

    I have my own issues with letting go of the past. Lots of them, and I think they create a lot of my problems in the present.

    No solutions present themselves as of yet. Though I think I’m waiting for that big watershed moment where I realise the future is now and i can finally let go.

    I don’t know what that moment will be though.
    Ah well, back to the grind.


  2. Like you said, you self sabatoged. Sounds like you really missed the smoking and wanted to make it happen again. So you did.
    Why do you want to quit smoking? What is your real reason?
    How bad do you really want to quit?
    If a doctor told you tomorrow that you would die in 6 months if you didn’t quit, how fast would you quit?


  3. Was it quitting smoking you were ever really trying to accomplish? Or was it the need to take control and achieving some goals?

    If the motive was not truely there to begin with and the heart not truly in place, it was always going to unravel. Also as you are acheiving so much and the effects of a smoke are not so immediate that other things come to light first? Your need for the immediacy of exams?

    My parents tried at various times and failed. Being told it was bad was enough to make them try. However, they only quit when their health started to suffer. The difference between ‘should’ and ‘must’.

    Perhaps you ‘should’ stop smoking and you hate yourself for that. Maybe (for now) you ‘must’ complete school, buy a Harley and find god, everything else is secondary. You can only do so much.

    In any case, you still rock. You may still be smoking but you now know you can stop (when you are ready to stop for good). You are also braver than the average and following your dreams. Who can honestly say that hand on heart?


  4. A couple of comments.

    First of all, I don’t think I missed smoking as much as I was fighting other issues which led me to revert to old behavior.

    Health is a side benefit, but no longer my main reason for quitting. Neither is the smell, nor the taste, nor a different circle of friends.

    It simply doesn’t fit in the life I want to live. For the past couple of months, I’ve been doing some pretty heavy searching, and am in the process of redefining myself, especially spiritually.

    And let’s face it, unless you’re participating in an Native American pipe ceremony, smoking really isn’t all that spiritual. I’m weeding out that which does not serve me. It’s slow, and it’s a bit tougher than I thought, but I’m doing it.

    I’m not ready to quit smoking again, sadly. But when I do, (hopefully soon) I will. And since I’ve learned my lesson, I’ll know better than to test it.

    I’ll just know.


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