I think I mentioned that this semester has been educational. I mean that in the most heart-wrenching sort of way possible. The semester is comprised of hours and days and months–not necessarily classes.
With that being said, I’ve churned out four papers, various small projects, and a mid-term. I have one more mid-term tomorrow night, and then I can breathe. My Chesil Beach paper earned an A despite the fact that I didn’t address what made me dislike the book so much. Oh yes, I discovered it, and it was at least in part what was responsible for the, er, moments I had been having. I’ve only gotten one other grade back, and it was a B-. A B-! A big fat minus to add insult to injury. It was on the significance of violence in a slave narrative, with three primary sources. I chose Olaudah Equiano, Harriet Jacobs, and Nat Turner. The point of my paper was to show how the authors believed it was endemic, systemic, and prophetic. I thought I had accomplished that pretty well, but it wasn’t what he was looking for. I’d debate my grade with him, but to be honest, even if he’d given me a B+, I’d still be taking him up on his offer for a re-write.
So arguing a grade for a paper that will be rewritten anyway seemed sort of pointless.
Which leads me to my next point: The Fool’s finally getting a clue when it comes to choosing her battles. Work is one of those battles that, for the moment, I’m letting pass. Despite the fact that I know I’m being lied to, despite the fact that there are all sorts of wrong going on in the department, I’m letting it pass. Because I *can* do homework on the shift and because, well, I’m graduating in May.
And my stay at the hospital, or at least in this department, is temporary.
As is everything, really.
As I was walking this morning, I had all these great ideas for a back-to-blogging entry. Those, of course, gave way to other thoughts which included, but aren’t by any means limited to, this sense of sublime simplicity I’m trying to incorporate.
I don’t have answers anymore; I have ideas.
Part of these ideas stem from the fact that I’ve put off my life for too long. It didn’t start out that way, but school quickly became a noble way of hiding away from hulking elephants that I simply refused to see.
Because it’s so easy to bury your nose in a book for the goal of bettering yourself and your financial situation, especially when there’s that added benefit of ignoring everything else around you.
As I said, I had an idea for this blog entry, but it was replaced by ideas for papers, remembering I have other responsibilities, and the awareness that there is something more out there.
Which is funny, really. I’m happy. I’m content. But still I want more.
C has a Facebook question that says “What quote changed your life?” I never answered it for many reasons, one of which is that, until very recently, I never had a quote that actually changed my life. I’d been inspired; I’d been moved to action and emotion, but it never really changed my life.
Until I was sitting at the house of the holy jalepeno cheese bread with Sherry.
“I want to, I want to, I want to…” I said, talking about life plans and dreams and all of that good stuff. “I love, I love, I love…” I said, talking about things I wanted to implement in my life because they’re just so darned neat.
“Then why aren’t you?” she asked me. “Don’t tell me you love doing something if you’re not doing it.”
So I am.
So there’s the quote that changed my life. “Don’t tell me you love doing something if you’re not doing it.”
I have hopes for what graduation will bring; I have aspirations for a year off to get some writing together and study for the Graduate Entrance Exam. I’d like to pick up a Master’s here in creative writing and go off to some new and distant place and work on a doctorate. I’m not adverse to going elsewhere for a Master’s, either, assuming they have the program that I’m itching to get into.
But for now, I’m moving through. Because that’s what I love to do.
As for you, C. Don’t drift away too far. You are missed.