First Step

My footsteps are taking me in very strange places these days. Very strange. And now I’m over here…

…but I’m not sure what the point of talking about over here since I started ……out……….over………there.

Of course, deep down, I wonder what the point is of talking about anything after all.

Except for learning, I suppose. It seems all of my communication, regardless the medium, seems to be about learning these days.

And I’m not talking about anything I wanted to talk about, so I’ll just get to it. (Although, I really think it’s impossible for me to mentally ‘just get to’ anything, now that I think about it.)

I started another blog. A separate blog. A blog in which I could talk about something that has become so pervasive that I simply cannot ignore it any more. I wanted a separate blog for a couple of reasons. One, that I could talk about what I wanted to without censure because it was completely anonymous (important for what I’m doing, actually). But it wasn’t the most important reason.

Because, nick name or not, I’m no longer anonymous here. Classmates, and (I still strongly suspect) professors read this blog. Teachers read this blog. Friends read this blog.

People whose opinions of me matter read this blog.

And I feel like I’m wearing a dog leash lately, with one of those choke-training collars. And rather than being “guided” to do things, I’ve been having a collar jerked. That’s the example I used when talking to a friend about how I’ve been driven to do things lately, and I’m laughing as I write it now.

It’s more perfect than I had realized, especially considering that just a few days ago I was really, really struggling with the notion of turning my life over to God.

But again, that’s over ……………………………………………………….. there.

And I’m still

here.

So I started a new blog, only…livejournal is the devil. I hate it. It didn’t work for me.

So…I came back to what was familiar and good, wordpress. (I really do like wordpress. Not a suck up, since I use it so damn much). I picked another user name, a cool one, I thought, but, alas, I could not stay signed into both blogs at once.

And then there was another one of those “do this” jerks.

So I’m here. Back where the opinions of me matter. Back to where I stated last year that I wanted to be authentic. Real. All that jazz.

Now, I’ve joined a program. Because I wish to respect the principles of the program, I will not refer to it by name, only as The Program. (Think The Firm, only eerier!) Anyone who is familiar with any of the versions of The Program will instantly recognize it.

It’s a 12-step program. And it deals with food.

One of the principles is that anonymity is really, really revered. That means that one’s face cannot be used in conjunction with it, nor can anyone say that “This is how it works,” or any of that stuff. Which is why I’ll never refer to it by name and will most likely have a disclaimer up simply out of respect. Because this blog isn’t about it, but rather how it impacts the rest of my life. (And oh, it has, to the point of not being able to ignore it, I want the freedom to post my face if I so choose, or pictures including me, if I so choose.

And referring to The Program as The Program seems a respectful (and very small) price to pay for that sort of freedom.

And anonymity has been a problem for me in the past, that I’ve hidden behind it.

And I’m tired of it, quite frankly. It doesn’t work for me anymore.

So I’ll probably be cross posting from the original blog(s), minus the name of The Program over the next few days. After that, it should blend in with my usual weird eclectic blogging style.

Just figured I’d warn you.

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2 thoughts on “First Step”

  1. OK. You’re only slightly scaring me… Question for you! Do you share anything in common with the 2 wordpress blogs? cuz that may be what happened to your avatar? I have 3 blogs – and 2 of these share the same everything and it bugs me. But my ideajump one and the other 2 are different everything… and so I can be in ideajump and the other(s) both at the same time. Just using the same PC… make sense? good luck!!!

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  2. Actually, I’ve had a second blog for a while under lyrical fool: it was about books that I had, at one point, linked to this one. I didn’t do anything with it, really.

    This second blog was totally separate, separate user name and everything, so I’m not sure.

    I used livejournal for the original, but that’s an entirely different platform.

    But it doesn’t matter. It’s coming here 🙂

    Why am I scaring you, by the way? I thought I was only capable of scaring myself.

    Like

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