… give it away.I heard that the other day, and it stuck with me. Don’t talk about weight as if you’re losing it. If you lose something, there’s always the chance that you’ll find it again. Talk about it like you’re giving it away, fat like second hand goods that served you well but you no longer need.
Like baggage that you’re getting rid of.
I liked that.
There was a singular moment earlier this month when I realized something spectacular: I don’t have to be fat any more.
It sounds incredibly silly, redundant, over-simple: I don’t have to be fat any more. The significance of this statement had me clutching the sides of the bed, afraid I was going to literally float off of it because I finally got it, got it, got it, and that I was so happy I thought I would literally float off the bed.
Of course, once I came down, I was hit with the horrible realization that, while I didn’t have to be fat any more, that the period of my life in which I needed to be fat is now officially over, I had a hell of a lot of work in front of me in order to not be fat.
And then I was scared. Because I do have a lot to lose, 182.6 as of my last weigh-in.
But then I wasn’t because I remembered I had turned it all over.
I am not on a diet. I am not on a specific eating plan. I am merely exploring healthier foods (and to my surprise, finding that, so far, I’ve found some really fantastic stuff that is healthy too). I’m also walking just about every day.
I’m not walking to lose weight. I’m walking because, if I spend 30 minutes or so in the morning before I get my day started, I’m pretty much guaranteed to have a fantastic day. Good day or not, though, I feel good.
And let’s face it, life should be all about feeling good. After all, that’s why I ate such shit food for so long, ate at inappropriate times: I was just trying to feel good. Good food is good. When you’re less hurt or less lonely or less whatever because you’re distracted by food, you feel good.
Or at least better.
And I can feel the difference, both in my over all emotional state as well as in my clothes, and it’s such a good, good feeling that I can’t even begin to describe it.
But it’s had an interesting effect I hadn’t counted on: apparently I’m pissing people off.
Now, I’m not exactly sure why. It’s not like I’ve “given away” a huge amount of weight. Or even a lot of it. Not even 5 lbs according to my last weigh-in. But strange things are happening. I feel good. I am obnoxiously happy, according to someone. I nodded, smiled, and said, “How could I not be?”
Like the girl at work who has been rather adamant about my dieting with her. “You need to do the Atkins with us!” she said over and over. “You really need to weigh once a week,” she told me after I told her I was only planning on weighing once a month. “You really need to let me do a diet plan for you.”
You need, you need, you need.
No thanks, I told her. Didn’t the guy from Atkins die of a heart attack or something? I don’t need to know more than once a month what I weigh. It’s secondary to what I’m trying to accomplish, anyway. And, considering I’m basically using the same method I used to quit smoking, I have no doubt that it’ll be successful.
“But you’ll lose weight faster if you do Atkins.”
I just shook my head and wandered off, but right now, while I’m writing this, I have to wonder: why is my weight so important to her?
And the people from The Program are approaching me in places that are not Program related and saying, in public “We missed you on Saturday. Keep coming back, you work if you work it.”
That’s a whole other rant about the lack of anonymity of an Anonymous program, so I’ll leave that for another day.
But I’m getting “hit on” to come back. I won’t of course, at least not in the forseeable future.
There’s also an issue with the sudden unavailability of my sponsor which makes me think that a sponsor is not the kind of partner I need.
Other people are trying to give me chocolate. Take me out to eat at buffets. Step up the “feed this” mentality.
And because I have lost my fear of the power of food, I will have a piece of chocolate if I choose (actually not this month, but that’s an abstinence thing), or a piece of cake, or whatever if I choose to.
But, in turning all over, I’ve specifically asked God to make things that are good for me more attractive and things that are bad for me less attractive.
And God help me, it worked.
I love, love, love whole wheat bagels and seared ahi tuna. My palate is being completely re-wired, and I’m loving it. I don’t plan on giving up on enjoying food, because food is one of the great beautiful things in life.
I just have to enjoy it a bit more wisely, because I have a lot of baggage to give away yet.