O Son of Spirit! Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. Rise then unto that for which thou was created.
~ Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words
The Fast officially ended at sunset this evening, and boy oh boy was it a learning process. Far more than last year, and I was far less successful with it this year compared with last year.
I am incredibly foolish at times. Embarrassingly, frighteningly, and utterly foolish. I had this strange month, March, one where absolutely nothing seemed to go right.
Once you get things “all figured out,” it’s supposed to be smooth sailing, right?
Spring Break was last week, and, without a doubt, it was the most disastrous week I’ve had in a long, long time. It was bad-bad, like half-a-gallon-of-blue-bell-ice-cream in 2 days bad. A feat, I might add, that I have NEVER accomplished in all of my days of crazy eating before last week.
Last week, the one that fell after this wonderful, transformative, oh-my-God moment that supposedly changed everything.
It wasn’t bad enough that I did that, though. I broke the Fast. Over and over and in as many different ways as I could possibly count, I broke the Fast. And the level of guilt that I felt over it was incredible, to the point of my wondering why I was doing it in the first place.
Two days went by, and I realized I was eating crap food. Crap, crap food. Four, and I realized that I hadn’t done my morning routine of meditation and exercise in at least three days.
Guilt is such a strange, strange thing.
I have been reading a lot, though, and I realized that I have unceremoniously and unconsciously looking for something to “disprove” the Baha’i Faith. Because one “wrong” word, one wrong fundamental difference, and I could say “Aha!” and walk away from the Baha’i Faith. It was 16 months ago that I had first heard of it, from a person who had asked me what I believed about God.
I stuttered and stammered because, while I had all of these “universal” spiritual ideas, I hadn’t really fleshed them out. And as I talked, and then he explained, I instantly recognized huge points of commonality, and I found myself thinking, “Hmm. You mean other people feel this way, too?”
It was eye-opening for me, and it set me on a path of reading and researching. But here it is the second year of the Fast, one in which, by all outward appearances, I abysmally failed, and I know what I’m doing. (At least for this moment, that is, as always, subject to change at any moment), and I know where I’m headed.
The way I see it, committing to a faith is very much like committing to a marriage. While I’ve explored in the past, I think that to declare your specific path is to show what you’re striving for by means of a commitment.
When I worked Step 3 in January, and willingly and consciously gave my life and my will over to God, I meant it, and I realized that it wasn’t just about food, but I really didn’t understand the scope of what I was doing.
Of course, I’m not sure that I do even at this point, but I’m okay with that.
This is incredibly disjointed, since I’ve been trying to write it over a period of several days, but now I’m going to wind it up.
I do not have Baha’i leanings. I am not “intellectually curious” about Baha’i studies.
I am Baha’i.
And tomorrow is the New Year. And I have my work cut out for me.
Because of my hypothyroidism, I am chronically dehydrated. My ultimate health goal is that, by next year’s Fast, to be in a condition which will allow me to fully and wholly observe it as it was commanded. Weight apparently affects thyroid function, and thyroid function affects, well, just about everything.
I don’t know if it’s directly connected. It’s just sort of a conglomeration of different things I’ve been told my doctors.
I don’t know if it’s even possible. I don’t know what lies between this year and next.
I just know that it’s my goal, and absolutely contingent upon commitment.