I have a presentation in 7 hours (God, being up this early makes the day seem so very, very long). I’m not sure what I’ll be talking about other than iconoclasm in the classroom. (I’ve noticed a theme to my classroom presentations, and they’re usually about overthrowing outdated, tired, and ineffectual teaching methods. Hmm).
I’m supposed to have a visual aid. I don’t have a visual aid. I’m not sure if I will have a visual aid.
Of course, I don’t have a speech either, so I’m right on schedule.
Two weeks of actual classroom left, of papers and stress and hair pulling and screaming and then….
…and then I don’t know. I have no idea. Ideally, I’ll be sitting on the bow of the boat, sipping iced tea, reading something horribly trashy and getting sunburnt and swimming until my limbs revolt.
Right now I’m frustrated, end of semester coming and I feel out of my element, out of control, don’t know what I’m doing, how dare I think I could do this, faking this shit for so long that I almost thought I was good enough why can’t I just have one cigarette that would make it oh so very much better or a drink a drink i could show up to class drunk and give a speech on breaking rules at school damn that would be cool people think i’m so fucking smart but i’m not it’s fake i am a terrible reader and it takes me forever and i can’t quite get the words right and i can’t even start and …
…and yeah. So that’s where I am right now.
I’m frustrated, too, I think, with everything. I can’t access 3FatChicks.com any more, I’m not sure what happened. My weight is not coming off like I thought it would, so I stopped weighing every week (I did say in the beginning that I was going to go to monthly…maybe that’s just a sign). I’m eating like crazy, of course I have been eating crap since The Guy came into the picture.
I think that’s how I knew I really liked him, because my defenses went up, and I realized I was back to eating crap. And that pissed me off, because that stuff was supposed to be gone, gone. All of it, right? But dealing with that in the middle of dealing with this thing and that other thing and a hundred other things is just a bit much for me right now.
And right now, making sure I get through this semester without smoking takes a higher priority than making sure I don’t eat too much pudding or snack stuff while I’m neck-deep in papers.
Something is going on, though, even if I’m not numerically making progress. I set a goal for April of 750 minutes of exercise, and I thought I’d be posting right now to say “Oh, I made it a week early!” but I realized I can’t count and I’m actually 7 minutes short. 7 minutes short of being a week early when I didn’t know if I’d be able to get anywhere near 750 in a month. That’s something, I think.
And things are getting shifted, at least, moved around, and I’ve noticed that I’ve lost weight in my face as well as my upper abdomen — that area right below my breasts. Now, losing weight is cool, yes, but the fact that it makes my breasts even more noticeable is extremely uncomfortable for me. My clothes are fitting better, I feel good when I exercise, but suddenly, after a brief but absolutely liberating period of being unself-conscious about my body, I’m back to it again, only in a different way. I’m acutely self-conscious.
And there’s a lot to be said about that, but unfortunately, I still need to figure out a visual aid.
And a presentation to go with it.
I just have a lot more to learn than I thought I would.