Back From Black

This morning, I had trouble getting up and walking. I was looking forward to it. I bought new shoes yesterday, and, while I tried them out yesterday evening, I was really looking forward to doing the just-woke-up walk and see how they feel.

But I couldn’t get moving. With any sort of expediency, anyway.

I drank more coffee than I should have. I piddled around here and there on the ‘net, and I took a long time to get dressed.

When I finally made it to the park, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I wasn’t walking; I was trudging.  After having trudged about 20 minutes, though, I noticed my pace increasing. By the time I hit 30 I felt okay, and by the time I hit 40, I felt pretty damned good. ‘

I think that’s exactly how things are right now.  Post-graduation, I’m at about the 25 minute mark right now.

Okay, so I’m not officially here quite yet,

But I’m not falling all over myself avoiding things, either.

The post-semester melt down went as scheduled, only it had a different flavor to it. Things had a very boom-boom-boom feeling to them. I wrote and wrote and wrote my final paper on power exchanges through secrecy and privacy in women’s literature. I turned it in Thursday night.

I slept all of Friday.

Saturday, I graduated, and, after the anti-climax that that was, I realized that I’ve officially left the boundaries of the familiar.

I have absolutely no idea where I’ll be in one month, three months, a year.

Two years.

While I’ve recently acquired this hipness to the prevalence of possibility in my life,  the idea of so much possibility and so little probability leaves me scared to death.  And I’m becoming more aware of how I deal with fear, and, while it’s not exactly all that pretty, it is interesting, and very telling, I think.

I’ve been trudging for weeks. For *a* week, certainly.

But things are changing. I feel like I’m between the 20 and the 25 minute mark, walking-wise, only I have no clue where I’m going.

I just know that I’m moving.

I’ve begun applying for jobs (scary) and looking into housing.  It’s a start, anyway.

A couple of notables, though:

  • My weight has started to (trudge) in the right direction. I have an appointment on Tuesday with a new Internist.  Given the past IM and endocrinologist I’ve seen, I’m really looking forward to this one.
  • I started tracking my minutes exercised in mid-March. As of this morning, I broke 2000 minutes.  That’s over 33 hours of exercise since March.  For me, that’s tremendous. I was so frustrated a day last week–the weight was simply not budging. I woke up early, though, and ended up hiking a short trail rather than walking at the park, and, while I’m swallowing bugs and looking at blooms, it hits me that just a couple of months ago, I probably wouldn’t have been in decent enough shape to enjoy the hike. There were some pretty decent inclines and declines along it.
  • While the weight has only recently begun (trudging) falling off, I’ve noticed a definite toning in my calves and thighs. I’ve lost in my face and upper abdomen fo sho.

Life is good.


2 thoughts on “Back From Black”

  1. You inspire me! The only thing that has knocked any weight off me in forever (despite all my care in eating choices and random exercise attempts) was catching that awful gastrointestinal flu and not being able to eat ANY thing for a week, and little for a good bit thereafter.

    You are making me reponder dedication-in-spite-of-unwillingness, some perseverance… hmmm



  2. I’ve found that focusing on exercising to lose weight always ensures that the exercise is a toil — it’s a means to an end. I burn out so easily. But by falling in love with exercise for its own joy, I’ve managed to keep at it consistently for over 2 months now, which is a record for me. Same action, different focus. Focus changes everything.

    While I would really, really, really like to lose a lot of weight right away, I’ve shifted my attention to exercise and movement — which is something I can control — from weight loss and overall health — which is something I cannot control.

    It’s actually changed my focus from “one day” to now, and has made a difference in the immediacy of my life, and not just with weight loss. This might make a better post, actually, now that I think about it.

    I’ll never be thin. I don’t have the genes for it. I’ll never be all that sexy, either.

    But I will be moving.


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