I keep thinking I’ll blog, get around to it, so much going on, I need to say something, dammit.
But then I don’t want to because, well, that would mean facing it.
Graduating, I thought, would change a lot of things for me. Magically, I suppose, and so very unrealistically. It wasn’t just a triumph over my attention issues, my lack of stick-to-it-tiveness, but also conquering this melancholy that leaves me, well, incapacitated at times.
I thought of all the nights I sat in panic, fumbling papers and re-reading illegible notes, trying to put a paper together that would mean something, be coherent, get a good grade. And I was proud. Like it was over, like I wouldn’t have to deal with that any more, like demons were gone.
I want to write. I want to write well. I don’t dig the tortured artist motif; I don’t want to be that person.
But here it is, weeks after graduation, unable to find a job, still trapped in the hell of flipping nights, and I realize that nothing has changed, other than I have a piece of paper (presumably, I still haven’t gotten it in the mail) and I’m horribly in debt. The melancholy remains and is, if nothing, exacerbated.
The only thing I’ve clung to during this whole thing is walking; I’ve walked myself almost to death. May was the first month I’ve broken 1000 minutes exercised, something I feel is a huge accomplishment, but yet, I haven’t lost any weight. It’s still resting between 4-8 lbs since January depending on the day.
And that is so very frustrating.\
I did have my first appointment with Doctor D, an Internal Medicinist, who recommended, like others, that I go to an endocrinologist. When I explained that the only endocrinologist on my insurance noted my chart that “Patient says losing weight, able to sleep fine, feeling better,” when the same paper work showed a 20 lb gain in two months, my complaints of insomnia, and over all shittyness, he didn’t push it further. He did, unlike anyone I’ve ever met before, take a lab slip and asked me what I wanted, checking it off as I said it.
“CBC, diabetic screening, cholesterol screening, complete thyroid panel, etc., etc., etc.”
That made me happy. The last guy refused to do a diabetic screening although I both have diabetes in my family AND am a prime candidate for it. He also refused to do a complete thyroid panel despite my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) being normal with a worsening of symptoms. So there’s that.
This guy is good. Got the lab work back the next day, even. My TSH was high, which meant my thyroid function was low again, and I felt justified. As far as the blood work goes, I’m in good health, great cholesterol, good sugar, etc., except for this thyroid thing that I can’t seem to get a handle on.
And there’s that whole depression thing that comes along with it. And energy crashes.
And I feel lost. Despite my footsteps, I am not moving forward. In fact, I’m backsliding in bad, bad ways.
A couple of days around chainsmokers, and I have to quit again. After almost 5 months.
I’m just tired of fighting. Everything.