“One decision changes your entire reality. But that one decision you have to make again and again and again–until it becomes natural to live in such a way.”
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, (201).
Yesterday and today were tough days. I found myself caught up in wishing things were a certain way, that this had been done, that I had already done that. I’m aware of it, though, and I suppose that’s something.
I found out my diploma was on hold, things I had already taken care of were showing, well, not-taken care of. Rather than arguing, I just went through the steps again, and I noticed I was a bit more detached.
Well, except for about five minutes when I was sitting in the middle of the USM lobby, right next to the Financial Aid office, talking to Mike about how useless the Financial Aid officers were and how I wish the Universe had decided to grace them with personalities and a modicum of talent that exceeded their ability to sit behind a desk and be decidedly unhelpful.
But my hold’s been lifted, I can get a copy of my transcript to submit with resumes (I never knew that was necessary, really), so I can officially move forward.
I wonder if I would have done it had I realized that.
Today I hit a moment where I realized that nothing I could possibly do would make my life better right now. A moment of pessimism, maybe. So I just sat still. And the strangest thing happened: my life became better right then. So, lesson learned: When nothing I can do will improve things, sometimes not doing anything will.
And while I was just sitting, all-still-like, a certain part of my brain must have been working. When I moved again, I was peaceful and calm, and resolute as to my next steps.
What’s even more, I sort of “came to” to this quotation from Tolle about the one decision again and again and again until it becomes natural. I think this is where I am right now, making the decision to be present again and again because it’s not natural for me. I’m too caught up in the willy-nilly tangential movement of my head, thus living far too much in my head. I’m too caught up in hiding and would rather hide behind a mask or a handle or something else.
So far, this experiment has basically yielded two results: It’s shown me how not present I am, and has resulted in a slightly more tidy living environment.
I feel like I’m just learning how to ride a bike with training wheels, only it’s life, with training wheels.
And even stranger, for a Friday, is the fact that I slept. All day. I’m getting ready for work, not quite vibrant or excited about going to work, mind you, but I am well-rested. Which is good, because tomorrow, I’ll be at my friend’s daughter’s christening, not as well-rested, but well enough to make it (hopefully).
I can’t wait.