If ever there were a bumper sticker that should be made, this is it, I think.
I’ve long held the belief that fear is the antithesis of all that is good, and, as such, is the source of all that is evil. Greed, dishonesty, even violent crime and war, to me, can all be traced back to fear. Fear of not having enough, fear of not being thought of as good enough, fear of loss and lack of power.
Yesterday was the 30th day of my 30 Day Challenge, and, wow, what a month. I lost sight of it at times, I plain didn’t want to do it at times (which was, perhaps, the most telling realization), and I succeeded far more than I wanted to at times.
Some interesting things that happened that may or may not be incidentally connected:
1) I was turned down for a shift that I was promised at one time and offered at another time by one of the most insulting letters ever. I had a moment of flaring resentment but decided to let it go, for now.
2) I am officially caught up on bills and even have one of my student loans paid off.
3) I began facilitating a book discussion group for Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. It wasn’t my first choice; it wasn’t even one of my preferences, but I can definitely tell a difference already. I’m also discovering that I can be more assertive than I thought I was. Controlling a crowd of unruly adults is a rather interesting experience for me.
4) I made an appointment (and kept it!) with a counselor who seems to be vibrating on my level. I wasn’t sure after our first meeting, so I reserved judgment, but after our second meeting, I think she’s going to be able to help me.
5) I am acutely aware of how large a role that fear plays in my life. While I’m stepping up and for the most part actively battling it, I’m hoping that 4) can help me with 5).
6) For the month of June, I lost 8 lbs, bringing my total lost since January (my highest weight for the year) to 18.4 lbs. I’ve noticed how intimately 6) is tied to 5). Looking back at my chart, and because I had gained some of it back before I started on the Glucophage and upgraded thyroid stuff, I’ve lost all but 2.2 lbs of it from May to now.
I’ll take that as a sign that things are really begin to move in my life.
Which leads me to where I am now, moving and shaking and, well, making my life better incrementally.
The biggest change in my procrastination, I think, is in joining a gym, something I did today, the last day of the month. My hospital has a gym that is only $10 a month, and I’ve been putting off joining because I kept thinking I’d find another job soon. That’s not exactly true. I’ve been putting it off for over a year because I was afraid of being the fat chick in the gym.
Really. I’m sooo good at making excuses.
But I went this morning, had an appointment with a trainer to show me how to use the machines. I think I had equal parts of trepidation and confidence. After all, I’ve been walking for five months. I have decent muscle tone, and am in good shape for my size. But then I discovered the elliptical machine.
I managed 30 minutes broken up between the elliptical and a recumbent stepper. I can tell where it will be working me, and I know that gym time will do more for my hiking than regular walking will. My goal is to hit it three times a week before work at the Writing Center, and keep walking on the days I don’t go to the gym.
It’s a good environment, though, and while I was struggling with the last 29 minutes, I realized I didn’t care if I was the fat chick at the gym. Working out is preparing me for hiking and biking and all of the billions of other things I want to do.
And that is a sort of freedom I haven’t felt in a while.
Now, if I could only conquer my fear of the elliptical machine.