I turned 40 a few months back, and have spent the past few months, well, struggling.
Over a year ago, I had begun pulling down my posts here at WordPress, attempting to consolidate my online presence as I was attempting to launch a writing business. I was attempting to plan an exit strategy from my current job, and hoping that the writing would be somewhat profitable in a year so that it would allow me to go part time at work to maintain health benefits and but shift my focus to writing.
I had formed the company, purchased a domain, and paid a goodly amount of money for someone to design it for me. I had vision; I had focus; I had the enthusiasm of a kid the night before Christmas.
And then I got sick again.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2003, and it was several years after that I discovered I have Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune disorder which, to be honest, I still don’t understand. In the 11 years that I’ve struggled with this, I don’t think my thyroid has been within normal range for more than three months in a row. It’s caused weight gain, overwhelming depression, and a sense of exhaustion that words fail to explain.
Which is okay, because that’s not what this post is about. Just a set up.
After fighting no less than seven doctors in less than 10 years, I’ve finally found one who is willing to try something new. My last doctor dropped my Synthroid 25mcg a month for three months in a row, all the while I told her it was too much, too soon, and I was barely functioning. This new doctor kept my Synthroid dosage the same (currently 250mcg) and added 15 mg Armour thryoid to it.
It’s something different, at least. And I started it today.
During the past year, I had pretty much stopped living. I may or may not make it to work, and being on time, something of which I was once incredibly proud (since I’m late for everything else), hasn’t even been a possibility. My weekends consisted of nothingness, to a point where when people would ask me how my weekend was on Monday, I’d manage a smile that looked as if it were the effect of somewhere between smelling something really bad and trying not to shit my pants.
After watching myself the past year, I’m become aware that my energy is much like the stock market (something I’ve recently gotten interested in, but that’s for another time). To a certain degree, it’s unpredictable: I can have several “decent” days in a row only to crash out for weeks and weeks. I remain stagnant and directionless for what seems like forever, and find myself, on a decent day–or heaven forbid–even a great one–overwhelmed with the consequences of long periods of stagnation.
I need a better management system.
I have a three-pronged goal for September:
- Get a financial plan in place.
- Get some sort of chore management program in place.
- Go out once a weekend, and preferably not for just groceries.
In honor of Throwback Thursday, I’ll share my unofficial theme song for most of this year, a really great version of a song from one of my favorite bands, I think I need a new one for the upcoming year, though.