Tag Archives: commitment

Letting Go Challenge: Week Twenty Five

Week 25THE JUNK:

  • 11 Magazines
  • 5 Styrofoam cups
  • Word Count Map — haven’t updated it in almost a year
  • Hospital arm band
  • 4 Post it Pads
  • Stack of out of date coupons
  • Red nose
  • Ecig box
  • A lock–I don’t even know where it came from.
  • A magnet too weak to hold a note card

Twenty-seven things, and this week was just my scrambling to get the things together. I REFUSED to miss another week.

I also cleaned out my refrigerator, which I didn’t count, and got rid of even more medicine bottles. Also not counted.

The cups, another holdover from my mother (did you know styrofoam cups can be washed through the dishwasher once or twice?). The post-its, accidental thievery from work–they will be returned on my next day back. Why on earth would I keep a hospital arm band? I mean, really? It’s not like it’s a nostalgic time I want to re-experience.

I am coming face-to-face with my waste, and it’s a bit shocking, to be honest. I am really starting to understand why I feel as if I never have any money–it’s being spent on half-eaten food, shoved to the back of the refrigerator, a magazine subscription that was a “free” trial, and I was too lazy or forgetful to cancel it.

I don’t think I even read any of the magazines.

It’s being spent on notebook after notebook, scattered around (and now being piled in the office until I go through them). Half-written, half-focused, notes from a class merged with to-do lists merged with letters I started writing but never finished. Clothes that “almost” fit that I never wore once I could fit in them. So on and so forth.

I look around, and instead of seeing stuff that makes my house “mine,” I see more stuff to dust, more stuff to move around, more stuff I don’t want to take care of yet don’t want to lose. My drum, for example. I can’t even think of parting with it, and yet I never play it. It’s a pain in the ass to dust.

But still I cling.

This is a process, I know. But I want a tidy and organized house. I want to have less shit to deal with. I want less waste and more efficiency.

I want I want I want.

I guess I’m getting there.

What I’ve discovered is that stuff isn’t just stuff. If it were, it’d be easy to get rid of. For me, it’s about memories, about identity, about security and control. It’s about letting go of the need to remember moments when life seemed brighter, or more honestly–to  in the past. The stuff is representative of my need to identify myself by the things I own and the things I remember. I’ve never considered myself materialistic, and, yet, I have drums and books and tie-dyed this and that which have become part of how I present: I’ve read these books. I play this drum. I am a hippie, see, I have tie-dye!

It’s about a certain amount of security I’ve attached to having certain things.

After Katrina, it was so easy. Most things had been swept away. There wasn’t indecision or suffering with choices; those had been taken care of for me, literally swept away down the river. There was a bit of mourning and moving on. “It’s just stuff,” I said, proud that I had let go, even as I unwittingly began the process of collecting more stuff.

Stuff isn’t just stuff. Maybe it’s never just stuff.  But clearing out is one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. It’s been–and continues to be–transformative. And I am ever, ever so grateful that my dear friend started before me, inspiring me to begin my own journey.

Cheers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Declaration (Orig: March 21, 2008)

O Son of Spirit!
Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. Rise then unto that for which thou was created.

~ Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words

The Fast officially ended at sunset this evening, and boy oh boy was it a learning process. Far more than last year, and I was far less successful with it this year compared with last year.

I am incredibly foolish at times. Embarrassingly, frighteningly, and utterly foolish. I had this strange month, March, one where absolutely nothing seemed to go right.

Once you get things “all figured out,” it’s supposed to be smooth sailing, right?

Spring Break was last week, and, without a doubt, it was the most disastrous week I’ve had in a long, long time. It was bad-bad, like half-a-gallon-of-blue-bell-ice-cream in 2 days bad. A feat, I might add, that I have NEVER accomplished in all of my days of crazy eating before last week.

Last week, the one that fell after this wonderful, transformative, oh-my-God moment that supposedly changed everything.

Continue reading Declaration (Orig: March 21, 2008)

So Much for Tuesday (Orig: 03/11/08)

I’m sort of a mess today.

Scratch that, I’m definitely a mess today.

Spring Break is here, and I slept in again. I woke up, ate breakfast, and went back to bed, content that I’d observe the Fast again.

Right.

Last year it was “neat” and “nifty” and “challenging.” This year it is is “hard” and “grrr” and “bringing garbage to the surface.”

Which is not to say that it is still not beautiful. I can tell some major stuff is going on, which makes it absolutely necessary.

It just doesn’t make the Fast as fun as it was last year.

Continue reading So Much for Tuesday (Orig: 03/11/08)

On Dreaming: (Orig: March 10, 2008)

I didn’t walk either Saturday or Sunday morning, something that definitely has messed with my continuity. Because I work over night on Friday and Saturday nights, unless I walk at work during my so-called “lunch break” (after 7 am when my relief comes in), I don’t have the energy to walk at all.

This morning is the first of Spring Break. I woke up early, before sunrise and ate since I’m still Fasting, and decided, with as cold and grey as it was outside, to go back to bed.

It was marvelous. I still have a to-do list a billion miles long. I still haven’t walked this morning. I still haven’t done anything on my to-do list, but I went back to bed.

And, despite all the conditions surrounding it, I did it guilt-free.

I love guilt-free stuff.

Continue reading On Dreaming: (Orig: March 10, 2008)

March 5, 2008 (Orig: March 5, 2008 Quel Surprise! )

We have commanded you to pray and fast from the beginning of maturity; this is ordained by God, your Lord and the Lord of your forefathers. He hath exempted from this those who are weak from illness or age, as a bounty from His Presence, and He is the Forgiving, the Generous.

Baha’u’llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas


It’s that time of the month again! This time, I’ve discovered 7.6 lbs gone this month, bringing my total gone to 10.2 lbs.

Thank God. Literally.

And something I just said two days ago: “And my second day into this particular commitment is way too early to go and break it.”

It wasn’t about the Fast, but it could have been.

Monday, I had a horrible day. My energy crashed about 3 pm, and I couldn’t get it back. I napped. I broke the Fast for coffee (very much trying to stay away from food for it), and I finally ended up eating, but nothing helped.

The next morning, I’m bright and shiny and happy, happy, happy to be eating breakfast before sunrise.

Continue reading March 5, 2008 (Orig: March 5, 2008 Quel Surprise! )

And So It Begins (Orig: March 3, 2008)

Today marked the beginning of the Baha’i Fast, a spiritual practice which I first encountered last year.

I don’t have any of my numbers handy — my starting weight and things like that, but since I’m such a fan of important dates, I thought this would be a perfect day to begin this blog.

Even if there’s only 20 minutes left in the day.

I really didn’t accomplish much of anything today. I worked, slept, and spent some time with some out-of-town friends.

I also left my medicine at work this morning. That was sort of surprising, and I wasn’t going to bother with it (conceivably unwise, but factual nonetheless) until I remembered that my vitamins were in it, too.

I’ve been making monthly health goals — specific practices which I adopt each month in order to completely create a new healthy lifestyle one or two steps at a time. This month it’s drinking 6 cups of water a day and taking vitamins.

They’re not so much goals as they are commitments. Which is why I found myself, at approximately 10 tonight, driving to work to get my medicine bag. Not because it had medicine in it, but because it had my vitamins in it.

And my second day into this particular commitment is way too early to go and break it.